Whatever happens, happens.

Other Side of the World

2007-06-17T03:24:12Z

John met me at the Bean this evening and we actually had a fairly interesting and meaningful set of conversations. One of the topics we discussed was future occupations. So on the ride home, I started thinking about what is ahead of me in International Relations. Whenever I remind myself that that is what I am going into, I get really excited about finally reaching that end point and working in Japan. I know that my imaginings are probably just that and that my actual work won't be as glamorous as I hope, wish, pray it to be.

Anyway, when I start thinking about Japan, I get the images of (guess who) Shun and Jun and Jin and all of those other hotties, but mainly Oguri Shun. I mean, can you get any more perfect? He is six foot (I like 'em tall), an actor, gorgeous, and only five years older than me. I yearn, I pine, I drool. I know that I have a snowball's chance in Hell of ever running into him, let alone him falling desperately, madly in love with me.

Yet, I play these scenarios of possible ways of running into one another in my head and then I wonder if I could ever actually go through with marriage. I don't think I'm cut out for that commitment...ever. I could pull a Johnny Depp and merely date forever and possibly adopt some rambunctious, annoying children if it ever gets that serious. I just feel like I can't be tied down. There's so much to do and see and not enough time or means to do it in. Ugh! Life throws yet another cruel punch!

Ah, well, here's hoping for the future!

Dim

The Hardest Thing

2007-05-02T22:01:50Z

I needed a place to rant. I needed a place to vent. I didn't know where else to turn. It is so much more difficult discussing issues and feelings in person. I never wanted to be so afraid. I never wanted to be so weak. But I am finding that I just can't get through this. I thought it would be easy enough, but it's so hard, and I do not have the strength to continue these futile attempts. It is just making me more depressed, more lazy, more angry, more self-hateful...Need I go on? The only thing that is remotely keeping me going is the prospect of travel. Finally I can get away from this place. Finally I can start over in a location that I have grown more fond of. Finally I feel like I can be me. But this freedom, this fantasy can only be found beyond the hardest thing I've known, of course. Isn't that how life goes, after all? I just don't want to feel this down, though. There was a time when I was happy and confident and optimistic. I've lost that. If I can find another approach, another way...If I can restore what has disappeared, yet fulfill what needs to be fulfilled in order to leave this place then perhaps I can reach that bliss. But how do you recover what is lost if obstacles surround you and hold you down, if they enforce you to do something you do not want to do? Obstacles are just things for you to jump over, right? Then you try it.

Your longing, discontent servent,

Dim

I'm Gonna Cut Some Bitches!!!

2007-01-13T00:07:55Z

Holy fuck. I feel like cutting some bitches and taking an axe to something. I regret ever showing anyone here JDramas, especially YOU KNOW WHO! Omg, go fuck yourself! She obsesses all the damn time and won't shut the fuck up. I want to strangle her. ARGH! All of a sudden she flaunts how into Japan and shit she is. No! NO! I'll fucking cut you, ho! I'll do it! She thinks she knows so much and she's so into it. But she's not! She's just a dumb little fuck that needs to get her mouth ripped off!

FUCK!

Dim!!!!!!!!

This is Life...

2006-09-16T03:07:03Z

I am in that mood again, and no it is not PMS. I feel so alone right now, and not just because I am alone in the room. I see everyone making lifelong friends here, but I can't get close enough to anyone. I don't know why. There's just something about me that drives people away. I yearn for what I had back home. Or maybe even more. I was looking at the people on facebook and how many friends and comments they have. I realized that I have so few compared to them. I don't see why I depress myself like this. I guess I am a masochist in a way. Is that even spelled right? Oh well.

The only thing really good that came from this week is that the rough draft of my WRT 150 paper wasn't totally torn apart. The Nun actually liked my work and is expecting more in the future. I'm sure my frame fucked it up, though. Another good thing was that I got to talk to the Adam Pascal look alike in my class for a bit. It was nice, but I think he thought I was weird. What else is new?

I don't fit in here. I want to get out of this country. All I want to do is travel. I want to go everywhere; I want to see everything. I don't know where my life is headed or what is in store. It frightens the hell out of me, to be completely honest. It would be so much easier if someone could just tell me what to do with the rest of my life. I may not like it, but I wouldn't have to go through the painful decision-making process. Damn my indecisiveness.

Good news: I have a new idea for a novel, which will prove, hopefully, to be better than my other. I still have yet to decide how to start it off, though. And tomorrow evening, I'm going clubbing. I better be in a better mood for that. I'm rather concerned to wear the top that I plan to, but I'll suck up all of that inhibition and do it. I'm trying to make a more confident me. It's going to be tough.

I guess that's it for now. Um...remember to add my new msn name BtheMask@hotmail.com to your little buddy lists.

The one and only,

Dimitri

So Far...

2006-08-26T05:52:53Z

Well I am at college and I guess it isn't all that I expected. I wanted to fit in more than I am. It seems somewhat like high school, which sucks. Maybe it is because class hasn't started yet, so I am still keeping my hopes up that it will get better. Caitlin, my roommate, is great. She's very nice. We also formed a bond with our neighbor Lauren. The other girls surrounding us seem to have their own little pack that doesn't really include us, but we try to stay together. I guess that is the only thing I am rather disappointed in. That and I don't stand out.

We were listening to a speech today and the guy told us to look inside ourselves and ask what we are doing here. I tried it and the only answer I came up with was that this was the normal thing to do after highschool is finished. Well, that answer isn't good enough. So then I began to question whether or not I should even be here right now, and that maybe I should have taken a year off to travel or make up my mind or something. Then I wanted to cry. It was bad. Maybe I am emotional because my period is on its way. Hopefully (fingers crossed)! I haven't had it last month or this month so far. We'll see.

My spirits lifted tons when we went to a dance tonight. It was so much fun. I realized how much I really love to do that. We need to go clubbing. Anyway, I was rather sweaty and tired, but so glad I went. Now if only that could be like every day. That would be nice.

In other good news, I am starting my next chapter in my fanfic and my novel isn't really at a standstill anymore. I just need some time to continue with it. I still need to download some shit onto this computer because everything got screwed up. That reminds me, my new MSN email address thingy is BTheMask@hotmail.com. So please, add it so I can talk with you fine people.

Other than me feeling rather depressed and listening to German Hunchy and Stevie, my love, in order to brighten up, I guess that's it.

Ciao,

Dim.

I'm Willing to Give Up This Fight

2006-08-09T03:02:13Z

So Camp was worthwhile. Pretty much everyone remembered me, which was exciting. I saw Claire, Jimmy, Malik, Erin, and Shannon and that made me happy. I still missed Amanda, Lian, Danielle, Mason, and Taylor, though, so that was a bummer. Next year I hope to visit for longer...maybe. ^.^

I have been depressed lately and I don't really know why. It is probably that time of the month, though I seemed to have missed my Aunt Flow last month, which was weird and unexpected. Whatever. I've been regretting again and regretting makes me sad. I couldn't see the things that were right in front of my face and now I'll never have a second chance. I can't believe how stupid I was. I just.......ugh. This sucks. Oh well, I guess the old adage is still true: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Ok, well maybe that doesn't completely apply, but it is close somehow.

I am getting more excited about my novel. I am now starting the third section, which should prove to be promising. It should be longer than the first two and hopefully make the entire thing into a complete novel instead of novella or something. It just seems like there is something missing or something wrong with it, though. It is too much like my writing. I tried branching out, but of course that didn't work too well. There's just something about the way I write that bugs the hell outta me. Perhaps that is how all authors feel. Or perhaps not.

Andrea has got me interested in writing some fanfics, but I need good plots, which I don't have. All of my ideas have been taken or don't appeal to the public eye. I still say that Madame Giry/Phantom fic would have been amazing, but no. It can only be Phantom/Christine. I hate all of you. Think outside of the box, dammit!

Ah, well, that's my little update.

Dim.

Ditties

2006-07-25T17:44:05Z

So, my cousin is on one of the newer episodes of MTV's Made. He isn't the main dude, though. He is one of the models in his friend's fashion show. It was pretty funny to see him on the teley, but also pretty cool.

At the rec today, too, I saw video cameras and professional video equipment. It looked like they were filming something around the rock climbing wall. It was probably just a commercial, but it looked sweet. I wanted to kinda jump in there and be like, "Hey! What's up?" But I refrained from doing so.

Anyway, I've been seeing more and more sexy men. Yes, it is true. I saw the dreadlock soccor guy at the rec again. On my way home, I passed a couple guys doing some construction work with their shirts off. Oh boy.

My last day at work is August second. Yay! I am hoping to visit Cedar Lodge the third through the fifth, but I still have to contact people about that. I am also hoping, when my parents leave for Las Vegas, to have the droogs over for a night or two. We could have a little partay. It would be fun.

I am still rather excited about my novel. I'm not moving it along as much/fast as I'd hoped. It's also getting slightly fuggly in this second part. Oh well, though. I can edit it when I finish the entire thing.

Ciao,

Dim

Sometimes I Wanna Die

2006-05-07T04:03:08Z

I am so fucking pissed. I told my managers at Kohl's a few days ago that I was going out of town tomorrow, and they said they would find someone to take my shift. Today at work, there still wasn't anyone willing to cover me. Then they expect me to find someone at the last minute. I fucking hate it. I hate the people. I hate the job. I hate the customers. The one and only thing keeping me there is the money. Everytime I walk into that store to start my shift, I feel like killing myself. Obviously that is not healthy at all. Fuck Kohl's.

I got so frustrated today over the entire ordeal. First, I was exhausted from lack of sleep, then they pull this shit on me. I have been a damn good employee. I am courteous, considerate, I do my job well. The least they can do is help me out. My frustration got the better of me, though. I teared up. Maybe I was PMSing or something. I usually get very depressed when I start riding the crimson wave. The only highlight was seeing Autumn at work.

Well tomorrow I am calling off work. If they fire me then they can go fuck themselves. I don't give a shit anymore. Egypt is more important than Kohl's and always will be.

~ Dim

68% Perfect

2006-04-29T02:47:41Z

[x] You know someone that cares about you.
[ ] You have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ fiancee/ husband/ wife.
[x] You have your own room.
[x] You own a cell phone.
[x] You get good grades.
[x] You have an ipod/ mp3 player.
[x] Your parents are still married.
[x] You have more than 2 best friends.
[ ] There is a swimming pool in your backyard.
[x] You live in a house.

T O T A L:8

[ ] You dress how you want to.
[x] You hang out with friends more than once a week.
[x] There is a computer/ laptop in your room.
[x] You have never been beaten up.
[x] You never cry more than twice a month.
[x] You are allowed to listen to the music you want to.
[ ] Your room is big enough for you.
[x] People don't use you for something you have.
[x] You have been to a concert.
[x] You laugh more than twice a day.

T O T A L: 8

[ ] You have over 100 friends on myspace.
[x] You have pictures on myspace.
[ ] You get allowance.
[ ]You collect something normal.
[x] People don't make fun of you to be mean.
[ ] You look foward to go to school.
[ ] You don't wish you were someone else.
[x] You play a sport.
[x] You do something after school.
[x] You shower daily.

T O T A L: 5

[x] You own a car.
[ ] You usually don't fight with your parents.
[x] You're healthy.
[x] You've never had a cavity.
[ ] You are happy with your appearance.
[ ] You aren't self-consious at all.
[ ] You have never got a failing grade in your life
[x] You have friends.
[x] You have so many inside jokes with friends.
[x] You know your parents care and love you.

T O T A L:6

[ ] You know what is going on in the world.
[x] You care about sooo many people.
[ ] You are happy with your life.
[x] You usually aren't sick.
[x] You know more than one language.
[x] You have a screen name.
[x] You own a pet.
[x] You know the words to more than 5 songs.
[ ] You don't have any enemies.
[x] You are happy you're living.

T O T A L:7

Now count up the number and multiply by 2. Then repost saying 'My life is __% perfect

Shadowcat, zing!

2006-03-22T03:25:39Z

Today, for track, we went in the pool. I liked it a lot. It was easy and fun, except tredding water became a bit of a bitch. Anyway, I was happy about that. I cleansed myself when I got home, and sat down and watched Oklahoma. Holy shit, that movie needs to be criticized, Andrea, again. The lesbians in the movie were pissing me off. They are EVERYWHERE!!! Anyway, that was nice.

Later, mi padres and I watched Con Air (movie night!). That movie is great. Two thumbs up. Hilarious and entertaining. Although, there were some incredibly stupid parts, but that comes with the territory. During our little fiesta, I was drawing a picture. It turned into Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat from X-Men Evolution. W00t! I think it actually looks decent to good. I like it a lot. I love it! Her hand is a little fucked up, but that's ok. I would post it up, but it isn't finished and I don't know how. v.v

I feel all accomplished and happy and arf! I'm so excited for some reason, now. I guess because I feel like creating more pictures from Evolution, which is a great series. Season 3 comes to DVD soon! W00t!

That's about it...

Toodles,

Dim.

After School Fucktards

2006-03-14T02:28:15Z

After school today was our first track practice of the season. It was harder than I thought it was going to be. I felt dizzy and nauseous halfway through. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Anyway, I vomited on the side then went home. It seems like this year is much different. I feel physically incapable of going through with track. Oi, I hate it.

So I fell asleep on the couch watching Project Runway re-runs. I was freezing, but when my father came home he wanted to open the door because it was nice out. Too bad. I laid there for a while...past dinner. Then the winds started picking up outside. One of the trees in our backyard literally cracked and fell. I witnessed it while talking with Andrea on the phone. It was kinda freaky, but now we have a giant tree strewn across our back lawn.

I still feel kinda sickly, which sucks. Hopefully it will go away by tomorrow. Maybe I should take a Tums.

Dim.

Then say you'll share with me one love one lifetime!

2006-01-14T03:50:26Z

Omg, this obsession is not healthy. I want Steve so bad. *Drools and cries.* He's just so amazing. Damnit! Why did he have to die... >.<

I wish I could have met him before he passed away, but now I shall never get the chance. If God granted me the power to bring back any dead person, it would be Steve Barton..........or my grandfather. I would want the young, sexy Steve, though. Ugh, rape.

I can only dream now. My Stevie... :(

In memory,

Dim.

I'm A Bitch

2006-01-10T03:40:23Z

I'm A Bitch is a song by Meredith Brooks. The versus, at least, really seem to explain me/things...?

The Fight Is Over

2006-01-10T02:43:18Z

I've given up. No more. I can't take it. This is for the best, I'm sure. I'm wiping my hands clean.

Doodely doodely doo...

2006-01-02T05:24:50Z

I'm feeling very blegh right now. I don't want to work at Kohl's anymore. I don't want to go back to school. I feel like sleeping forever and never falling asleep again, all at the same time if that is possible. I want to grow a couple more inches, but that seems impossible. I want ANTM season 3 and 4. So many I wants that I want to shoot them all.

It seems like everything is moving very quickly and I'm not exactly ready for it. I'm not exactly mature enough to be going to college yet. I act like I'm still in elementary school. That's not right. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Well, I have many ideas, but all are impossible or improbable. I need to figure out where I want to go to school. It is between Grand Valley, Eastern, and Western. Scraft can go suck it.

Oi, whatever.

Dim.

P.S. I think I'm getting sick, which sucks ass.

New Years Eve

2005-12-31T05:52:13Z

So tomorrow night my parents are throwing a new years eve party for their friends. I think it would be entertaining for the droogs to migrate over here, but whatever you folks wanna do is fine with me.

I just hope 'he' isn't there...

Dim.

Not surprised...

2005-12-26T05:06:50Z

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs.

</td>

Suicide

93%

Posion

87%

Eaten

73%

Suffocated

73%

Gunshot

60%

Bomb

60%

Disappear

60%

Stabbed

53%

Accident

53%

Disease

47%

Cut Throat

33%

Natural Causes

27%

Drowning

27%

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

...

2005-12-05T03:32:14Z

This is why I keep things to myself; this is why I created a protective, cold shell.

I should have never let this happen. I said I would never let this happen again. I suck at keeping promises to myself.

I guess I have to face the consequences now. It will be deeper this time, I'm certain of that.

Deep?

2005-12-01T04:49:27Z

So RENT has really lightened my spirits, or at least that is what I thought. When I do think of it, I get all happy; but, I'm depressed right now. It could be due to returning to a past board. It could be due to the lost friends on that board, or the prospect of someone that will never be or can never be. Sure it is good to imagine what could occur, but eventually it just gets tiring and depressing. The possibilities just fade into dreams that can never come true. It is emotionally and sometimes even physically draining. Then the idea of just giving up crosses the mind, but I don't know if I would be able to function if I acted on that.

This is what it means to live, though, to be free. Our path is not paved for us--we have to do that ourselves. Wouldn't it just be easier to have a smooth, clean road instead of a dangerous, uncontrollable one?

Dim.

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss...

2005-11-27T06:29:12Z

Andrea, don't get upset, but I saw RENT again with my sister and her boyfriend tonight. I would have called you to come, but it was already really late. Anyway, it was just as good as the first time around. God, Angel is my new love. Doug, the bf, said his favorite part was when Angel was in the santa suit and banging on everything with his/her drumsticks. My sister cryed.

I returned to a certain...um...board, and an old friend greeted me. I kinda regret leaving because I lost contact with all of my other old friends. But in the infamous words of RENT, "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." I kinda showed him my senior pic (the one with the red background) and he said I was gorgeous. I basically told him to shut the fuck up and stop being a dildo. Actually the words were: No I'm not. I hope he got the point, though.

Along the RENT line note, I guess I should add that I've been sorta abandoned, which I guess I knew would happen sometimes or later in the back of my mind. Should I be happy? Should I be upset? Should I be incredibly angry? Should I regret everything? I don't know. Right now I am kinda worried, but not; kinda wondering, but not; kinda looking to the future and to the past, but not. I don't really know what to do. I guess I'm lost, and I can only imagine why.

I should have protected myself better--sorta like an emotional condom. I should have foreseen this happening, which I kinda did, but ignored. I just keep thinking how things could have been different, and then I sort of wish that things had been different. I know they can't, and it is too real. Maybe I am just rambling and insane.

Shit, on another note, tonight my father had some buddies over for a poker night. I just got home from work, seeing all these cars in the driveway. I walk in and ask loudly why there are so many cars at the house. My mother answers that dad is having a poker night. I walk in and see my mother sitting with someone's mother and watching a movie. Fuck. How did I forget? So I try to make conversation extremely light so I can run upstairs and hide before that someone gets there, even though I wasn't sure he was going to be there. So right when I am about to leave, the doorbell rings. My mother asks me to get it so I oblige. As I walked down the short hallway, I kept hoping and praying that it wasn't him. I open the door and..........Fuck. Shit. Bastards. He is standing there, and was surprised to see me. Of course he was. I'm an introverted, creepy hermit. After that, I set my jacket down and run away upstairs. I didn't see him the rest of the night. When I went into the basement to get my sister, I averted my eyes from him. This is so fucking retarded.

*Shoots self in face*

Dim.

I didn't recognize you without the handcuffs...

2005-11-24T01:05:34Z

Today after school, I went to see the broadway hit turned movie RENT. It was amazingly amazing. I am so obsessed with it right now. Andrea started bawling when Mimi was on her deathbed. I don't even know when Xtina started to cry; and, I had tears clogging up my eyes starting at the song Without You. Oh man, I need to see it again and again and again and again and...

The critics can go suck it for giving it bad reviews. They probably didn't understand it. That is the bad part, if you don't have knowledge of the musical before seeing it, you might not understand it fully. The only part I had a problem with was when Roger was standing on the rock and singing. It looked too much like a music video.

Idina kinda reminded me of Ms. Shuch, too. O.o

Ow, my abdomen is in serious pain. >.<

Go see RENT, bitches, and take me with you!

Dim.

Btw, my favorite part had to be when Collins was holding Angel in the hospital bed. Actually, Collins and Angel were just incredibly cute overall.

Lost Forever

2005-11-19T04:30:30Z

So HP: Goblet of Fire rocked my socks off. I love it more than any of the other movies. There were so many hidden sexual metaphors and sexy men. Shall I list the men? I think I shall (not in any specific order, but Draco always comes first):

1. Draco Malfoy
2. Cedric Diggory
3. Lucius Malfoy
4. Severus Snape
5. Voldemort
6. Barty Crouch Jr. (?)
7. Ron (he's getting there)
8. Gred (getting there)
9. Forge (getting there)
10. That one actor standing next to you know who and gossiping with what's his face in that one scene. ^.-

Anyway, the movie was excellent. I didn't want it to end. Also, at first, Harry's crying sucked ass, but it got a bit better. Hermione still bothered me quite a bit, but I think I am getting used to her. I really really enjoyed this. Perhaps I shall review it and its events at a later time. P.S. The only thing that could have made it better was if Draco was in more of it.

So...after dropping people off and coming home...I've become rather depressed again. Perhaps it is because of this depressing music that I am listening to? I doubt it, though. I have been reminiscing on some things and that hasn't been too good. I have been having some feelings which aren't good either. *Sigh* Whatever. Sometimes I wish life was like the movies....Wait, that's all the time. It would be so kick ass to be part of Harry's world. Not like that...just to be in a world of sorcery and Hogwarts like in Harry Potter. Oi!

Wishing reality wasn't real,

Dim.

I will follow my dreams, until they come true...

2005-11-17T20:54:31Z

For the past couple days I've felt like breaking down. I feel like breaking into tears throughout the day. I don't know what my problem is. I just want to sleep--just stay in the unconscious, unthinking world. I find myself laying awake at night because my head is so full of thoughts; but, when I get on the verge of tears, I am lulled into sleep. I need time when there isn't any.

In other news, I am excited about this new RPG I am in called House of Cards. Yeah, I'm pretty much the only male character in there. Anyway, it, with the help of an anime that was on adult swim once, inspired this interesting plot for my short story for Creative Writing. I trashed the other idea about a girl working the nightshift at a department store and slowly going insane from the music and the tedious tasks. The Yellow Wallpaper helped me with that one.

It rained the other night and I stood outside in it. I love rain. My mother kinda reprimanded me for that one, but I didn't care. It was amazing and so relaxing.

Yeah, I think that is all for now.

HP Friday!

Dim.

But when everything starts breaking down, we'll take the pieces off the ground...

2005-11-09T23:11:46Z

What can I say? I can't really put any of my feelings into words. It's hard. Well I guess I'll start out by saying I am feeling rather depressed, as you can probably already tell from the decapitated, bobbing pussy head with the word "depressed" right next to it. It started last night, I believe. I was laying in bed trying to sleep, but couldn't. So...my mind wandered and I soon found myself wanting to cry. I didn't. The thunderstorm lulled me sleep, thankfully. I kept waking up in the middle of the night, though.

So today everything was basically fine, except that my ass hurt for some reason. What really brought me down was something someone was saying, which I shall not say anymore of. It was just really degrading and.....I can't even explain it. Afterward, I felt physically nauseous and that I wanted to slit my wrists. It was really...strange. I felt like bursting into tears of frustration and just stabbing myself or something. I dunno. Then someone called me and said something else, which I am still really confused and uneasy about. I just have this disgusting chill running through my body right now that I want to get rid of. I'm desperate.

Hmm, well, in other news the episode of The Tribe today was so amazing. I actually had tears in my eyes during the part where Ram and Ruby were at Java's grave and they were talking. My heart just broke. Also at the beginning when Lex was broken up at Siva's grave. Those two scenes were just amazing and made that one of my favorite episodes. I loved it.

*Sigh.*

Dim...

I just thought this was amusing...

2005-11-02T00:23:22Z

evilfishy's Halloween party:

100stories_down dressed as a large witch.
cheesylepricorn dressed as the equator.
emmey dressed as a marble, and it suited them disturbingly well.
icecap6 dressed as a ditch.
italiangirl06 dressed as Michael Douglas.
kingofpuppys dressed as the love child of Michael Douglas and Anna Nicole Smith.
lilgingerlover dressed as a new member of the Wu-Tang Clan, Drunken Prophet, though it looked more like a disturbing self-made character called "Zippy Chucklenose".
macabre_bohemia dressed as a outfielder for the Expos.
msugirl06 dressed as a 1970's disco child.
musicallover6 dressed as a character from Harry Potter and the King of Pittsburgh.
signed_og dressed as James Madison.
sisterhyde dressed as Optimus Prime.
sweetart564 dressed as Dan Fouts.
unseenangelsfal dressed as a new superhero: White -naut.
weezernerd4life dressed as Ozzy Osbourne.

Throw your own party at the Hallomeme!
Created with phpNonsense